Relocation Across the Country with a Pre-Teen

As excited as I was to launch into a new adventure with my daughter, this relocation half-way across the country has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be, physically and mentally. If you’re new to our adventures, we moved from New Orleans to Northern California in September 2019 after receiving a phenomenal career opportunity, and it has been quite the adventure! There’s definitely a lot I didn’t take into consideration when I excitedly accepted a new position…

Relocation Lessons I’ve learned:

I’ve learned a lot in the last seven months. My major take aways for any relocation are:

1. Identify a place to belong where you are moving. Whether it’s a run club, gym, yoga studio, hiking or outdoor adventure club, church, or a parent circle, it’s good to have a network in your new area during a relocation. I think this is even more important if you don’t know people where you’re going. a relocation can be isolating. Do some research ahead of time or prioritize it when you get settled.
2. Mirror those small, familiar routines from back home. It can be so hard to establish a sense of normalcy, even with the smallest tasks when you’re learning a new systems, but those small things can help you find balance (i.e. meditating or working out in the morning, dinner routines, or family time).
3. Stay connected with your people back home and make sure to let people know if you’re struggling. Hopefully you have good friends and family that are checking in on you, but make sure you’re communicating if you are in need. Video chats with friends have been my lifeline.
4. Most importantly, be generous to yourself. Relocations take a lot of mental energy. There’s a lot of unpredictable things that hit the hardest. Listen to your body and don’t neglect your needs. If you need extra sleep, skip an early morning workout. If you need a mental break, don’t try and cram your weekend with activities.

My Relocation Decision

I moved to Louisiana straight out of high school in 2003. Even though I am a child of the Army, with roots all over, Louisiana had become my home after 16+ years. I went to Louisiana for young love and college, earned two degrees, got married and started a family, got divorced, started and finishing a PhD, bought my house, and made friends that are more like family. I established roots!

For a long time, I didn’t see a chapter in my book where I would leave behind all that we built. As I was getting closer to finishing my PhD, the more I realized that I would probably need to branch out of Louisiana for a career opportunity. Even still, at the time, I was only one year into a new position and leaving them was not something I was planning to do so soon. Nevertheless, when this new opportunity presented itself to me, I knew I needed to apply, and I knew if I was offered the opportunity, I would be gone from NOLA by fall.

I couldn’t say no when the job offer was made to join the UC Davis team. I was excited to experience a new place, run on new paths, meet new people, and hike new trails. Of course I was scared to leave behind my people, my house, and my favorite running paths, but I knew I always had a place to visit. Northern California and all it’s glory felt exciting, it felt like there was so much for Charm and I to discover.

Wanting More for Charm

Opportunities for Charm’s education played a big role in my relocation decision. She’s in middle school now. The older she gets, the less I wanted to leave her education in the hands of Louisiana’s public schools. As much as I love Louisiana, we all know they are not famous for their K-12 education system, and I definitely could not afford private education through high school!

Relocation Adjustment Time

First, it’s been seven months since we made the move and I am still adjusting. I have to continuously remind myself about being generous to myself and Charm during with this relocation. We aren’t just in a new city and state, we are in a new culture (polar opposite of NOLA, for sure), new house, new job and school, and we are alone. We didn’t know ANYONE when we moved up here! I had to be super intentional about all of the decisions I was making. Such as being strategic about where we lived in relationship to where her school is, to how far the house and her school were from my job. Plus, I have 17 full-time staff employees w/ 6 additional student workers. The everyday tasks at work can be a beast to juggle! Being generous has become a daily mantra while we’ve transitioned.

Also, people have often said, “at least you all have each other”. Yes, we do have each other, but it’s an interesting dynamic. Charm is a pre-teen, she doesn’t want much to do with her momma these days. She’s very much into her own headspace, phone, and friends. Some days we are in the same house but the only time we talk is when I ask her what she wants for her next meal or when she’s fussing at me to “give her space”! Lord, the pre-teen years have come crashing hard.

Charm’s Adjustment Time

One of the main questions I get is how did Charm feel about the relocation. To be honest, she was just as excited as me about moving to California. I now know it was more about the glamour of what she visualized for California than the reality that we were going and not coming back. We were at a great age for her to move. Charm just turned 12 and was transitioning into middle school. She didn’t have attachment to her middle school and is flexible with making friends. She didn’t put up any resistance when I asked her to move.

Charm is also at the age where she’s super independent, which was encouraging when I thought about her and I being alone in California. We are a great team together! This isn’t a move I would have wanted to make if she was younger. Although, I definitely forgot to take into account puberty 101! While she’s a big girl now, she also has a big girl attitude with no clue on how to process emotions like being homesick!

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Her homesickness has been one of the biggest hurdles of this relocation. I’m also trying to be mindful about how and what I share about her now. I am respecting the fact that Charm is a pre-teen that doesn’t like her business being shared with the world!

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Relocation as a PhD Student

Another question I get a lot is how am I handling my school during this relocation. Thankfully, I am done with in-person classes for my program. Everything that I have left to complete can be done 100% remotely. Not to say that it has all been smooth sailing. It is incredibly hard for me to prioritize school. Hell, its hard for me to be accountable on a regular basis without adding a relocation to the mix!

I was already behind on my timeline to graduation before I left NOLA. I spent the last year learning the ropes at a new job and it took a lot out of me. With this relocation, I knew I could potentially be setback even further by moving and starting yet another job. Nevertheless, I am still making progress. I had to adjust my research plan a bit to account for the work I would be doing remotely, but I’m still pushing forward at a slow and steady pace! I am currently hip-deep in the middle of data collection with goals to wrap up during the Summer and graduate in December, just a little behind schedule!

Running and Fitness

I was also in the middle of training for my second Chicago Marathon where I was looking to reclaim some of my dignity after a not so great race in 2018. At first, I tried to keep pace with my training through the relocation, but I was exhausted and I needed a reality check.

Instead, I had to be more than generous with myself. Typically, when I set my eyes on a race, not much can break my focus. I wanted redemption in Chicago, but I knew now was not the time to try and prove things to myself. Initially, my thoughts changed to trying to run Chicago for fun, but after a beautiful 16-mile long run along the American River, I knew I needed to sit out of this race. I was struggling to to find any motivation to run. I made the decision to go to Chicago as a spectator to cheer on my best friend, Loraine and it was the best decision for my headspace!

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Finding Balance

In addition to deferring the Chicago Marathon, I also had to take a step back from any hard training. I needed to give myself time to find balance and a renewed headspace.

Instead of hard training, I learned to value running a mile or two, taking walks on the new paths, riding bikes with Charm, running miles while Charm biked alongside me, or just spending entire days in my pajamas binge watching Netflix! During this time, any movement was better for me than trying to force a training schedule.

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Therapy!!!

With everything going on, taking care of my mental space is a priority! In NOLA I had a therapist since 2015, she was a staple in my regimen. It’s good to have someone to talk through things with, especially to keep from dumping all your shit on your friends and family. Initially, I put off finding a therapist when I arrived to Cali. I was more concerned about building a routine with Charm.

After a rough start to 2020 with a death in the family, I realized I had to stop putting this on the back burner. Some days I don’t know if I’m tired or depressed. I underestimated how hard it would be to be in a new place where you don’t know anyone with a 12-year-old. We are both homesick. I miss my usual running paths and running buddies. We miss the food and Louisiana culture. Mardi Gras season came and went. I had to miss my best friend’s wedding. I miss my house and our dog misses the yard. Yet, at the same time, we love it here!

Mom Guilt

I was also having some MAJOR mom guilt so I was spending all my free time with Charm. This makes it hard for me to have any free time or space to make any friends. Those thoughts felt selfish. As much as I love my youngin, I was also lonely and felt isolated. These are all things I’ve been processing with my therapist! One thing I realized was that Charm wasn’t looking for me to spend all of my time with her. She started saying things like, “why don’t you go run with that run club” or “you should make some friends so you can get out of the house”. That helped me understand that she wasn’t looking for me to direct every ounce of energy I had left to give at her.

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COVID-19 and Relocation

I’ll tell you what, I wouldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams that a global pandemic would hit 6 months after moving my child and I across the damn country! Here we are one month into a shelter-in-place order and anxiety is sky high. We are definitely fortunate. I am working remotely and her school will transition to online learning for the rest of the academic year; but we are definitely not in the ideal situation should one of us get sick! While we do know people here, nothing beats being near family when things are chaotic. One of my constant worries is what would Charm do if I was to fall ill during this pandemic.

Charm hasn’t had to do any schooling for the last month. Her district used the month of March to prepare a distance learning program after they realized they students would not be able to return after the Easter holiday. Juggling her online learning and my work day is going to make for an interesting experience. I’ve never been happier to have an older child than I am now. I hope she will demonstrate accountability during the day with her classwork, but I’m mentally preparing for it to be a rough couple weeks of adjusting while I am also trying to keep my office running and meeting the needs of my staff and student workers.

For now, we are safe, happy, and healthy – staying inside, washing our hands, and keeping our distance when we do leave the house. This isn’t the most ideal situation but we are pushing forward. Charm knows all of the emergency protocols should we need them. Charm constantly amazes me. She was processing that a lot of people have died from this disease. She said to me, “if anything happens to us at least we know we’ve lived good”. Her attitude on life is amazing.

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Goals for the rest of 2020

While there’s not much we can do right now but ride this quarantine out and hope for the best, I do have some goals for the year:

• Continue practicing patience and generosity to myself and Charm.
• Be intentional about movement. I have two marathons on the calendar for June and August. We’ll see if those happen.
• Do more yoga and strength training.
• Facetime my friends and family more.
• Continue grinding out my dissertation.
• Keep working with my therapist!

We are settling in and finding a routine. Even though we miss Louisiana, I am beyond glad I made this relocation. I am thoroughly enjoying my position as the Director of Advising for the College of Biological Sciences at UC Davis, and I have an amazingly supportive and hard-working staff. We are in a dope area with tons of adventure opportunities and plenty of bike paths to explore.

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